new year's confusion

In the autumn of 2006, I resigned a lucrative position as senior designer and user researcher at an established user experience group. Many of my friends and colleagues were surprised by my decision, but at the time I felt it was the right thing to do, make a change, and take some time for myself and my family.

Over the past two years, I got to know many inspiring people and organizations, occasionally had the opportunity to contribute to exciting projects, and was privileged to exchange and learn many interesting insights and experiences. Occasionally, I still have doubts and miss the financial, intellectual, and emotional benefits provided by my former position and team.

As 2008 is drawing to a close, I wonder where I stand now and what the future will bring.

Next year I will be 39 years old (pretty ancient for the IT industry, according to some recruiters). To my great amazement, some (female) students and practitioners actually seem to consider me an inspiring role model. I guess they don't see the inner turmoil. Sadly, I still don't know what I really want or where to find it.

However, I do have a pretty good picture what I do not want; I don't want to miss having enough time and attention for my family and friends, but I also don't want to become a stay-at-home housewife. I don't want to be rude or hurtful, but I also don't want to be taken advantage off or ignored. I don't want to be scared or insecure. I don't want to hide who and what I am. I don't want my life and work to be in vain. I don't want to be mediocre and I don't want to produce bad work. Nevertheless I don't want to be just an idealist, but achieve realistic results. However, I don't want to work just for profit, but help to make the world a better place, one minuscule step at a time. I don't want to despair or give up in the face of adversity and I don't want to forget that I can't always achieve all of my good intentions.

So what is my new year's wish in the face of general confusion? - Maybe to have the patience, stamina, and self-confidence to be true to yourself and follow your own path, wherever it might take you!